Seizure CryptPlease, please, please…tell me this CD and band is a joke! I know, as a practical joke, Jeff from SicZine must've sent this to me for review just to make me suffer through some god-awful music him and some friends threw together all in good humor. After all no self-respecting human being could not only create this swill, but also have the audacity to release it and expect any music critic, no matter how insignificant such as yours truly, to give this even a mediocre review. Hopefully I can make this review quick and painless unlike the suffering I had to endure listening to this CD twice (yeah, I gave it a 2nd chance) and reading the press sheet that came with it.
Speaking of that press sheet…I should've known I was in for some shit when I read this ridiculous bio and Album press release. Here are a few laughable quotes from said documents with my comments in parenthesis: "Completing two successful jaunts across the Metro NYC area (wow, they really covered a lot of area, twice!), this panic-stricken (Why is the band overcome by panic?) ensemble busted their collective ass, pushing the limits while spreading the news (who are they? Huey fucking Lewis?), subsequently laying waste to anywhere they played while leaving memorable impressions on all (if they laid waste, how are there any survivors to leave an impression on?) who were brave enough to witness. (more like anyone brave enough to make it through this bio)". This is only one sentence of the page-long rant and I didn't even get into the spelling and grammatical errors. The press release on the reverse side isn't any better. The entire page is full of cliché adjectives and poorly written one-line explanations of song meanings, which are hardly necessary on a press release. Take the following to examples (none of the following is written by myself, this is exactly how the text appears on the page); "No Room Left To Bleed comes next, a devastating double bass drumming assault recorded @ 208 b.p.m. (with no triggers or quantifying techniques used) pounds the listener into aural submission as the relentless vocal attack screams for one goal…survive your past and move forward to a better day!" and the second excerpt; "Now that you have survived this long, you shouldn't be alarmed at the sound of a train coming into your living room…that's just track number four, "When You Die…They Throw Your Stuff Out", a grinding punk number that echoes the sentiment of life through death's perspective, hinging on the point of how our stuff effectively gets discarded or re-dispersed soon after the presiding body has passed." I shit you not…these are exact quotes from this band's press release. I honestly wish I could copy the whole thing, it is that laughable! The press release closes with a disclaimer: "no triggers, overdubs, quantifying techniques, tricks or anything else were used here, just the sounds created by two mics, one guitar, one bass and one (North brand) drum kit". They forgot to add: "perhaps if we used some of the aforementioned techniques perhaps we wouldn't suck so bad…but even that's highly unlikely".
Moving on to the CD sleeve we are greeted by perhaps the most hilarious cover picture that just screams "FUCKING TOOLS!" The band is standing in a circle jerk position pointing guns at each other. Two band members look like Budweiser 'Wassup' commercial rejects with their tongues sticking out and ridiculous grins on their faces. Another is clearly trying to look serious and tough while one band member appears to be trying to perform oral ex on himself with his back to the camera and head bent downwards. In reality he probably thinks his tattoo on the back of his head is cool and tries to show it off. Finally the fifth band member appears to be the guitar tech for Nelson as he daydreams about the one time he got laid back in the 80's. The back of the sleeve appears to have been designed in about 5 minutes with a cheap photo editor.
I've rambled on long enough about everything but the piss-poor music on this CD. This is meant to be hardcore but its just so poorly done, I couldn't even classify it as such. The guitar plays nothing but sloppy, basic riffs that are so damn repetitive after 30 seconds you want to cry. The bass sounds like a cross between a Korn wannabe and a 15 year old that couldn't hack it on guitar so his friends forced him to the four-string. The drumming is actually the best aspect of this atrocious CD. It's sloppy as hell, but at least it has some direction and hardcore/metal energy behind it. The vocals are pathetic. I can't even begin to describe how childish and seemingly jokingly the lead and backing vocals are delivered. The changes in pitch and tone sounds like a high school student is literally joking around on a microphone left in an empty auditorium after an assembly. This is easily the worst band and CD I have heard in a VERY long time, if not ever!
Rating: 0/5
Songs Worthy of Replay: You're joking, right?
Synopsis: Usually I pass CD's I get for review on to friends if I don't want to keep them. I could never subject anyone to this abomination. I feel it is my duty to destroy this CD at any cost.